Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Holy Hipsters

I hate french fries. Like, I refuse to believe that there is a single person on Earth who truly loves them.

We all know they're like little greasy nuclear bombs that wriggle their way from our stomach right into our arteries. We know that any manner of inedible contaminant can easily fall into that fryer and pass off as that weird fry at the bottom of the bag. We know that if not for the metric shit-ton of salt that's poured over these things, we would despise them down to their last molecule. We know all of this, but we still eat them. Unless you're a health freak, in which case you need to get on out of here, you vitamin water chugging mutant.

You're goddamn right.    Source

We eat them because we're told to. There is literally no other logical reason for it. We're told from an early age not to waste food or to waste money, but food costs money, so it's all about the Benjamins or whatever. It's cheaper to just get the combo, even though we know that the fries are going to be the greasy nail in our over-sized coffins. The reason they add so much salt is because fried potatoes taste like fucking fried potatoes and no sane person would eat them. It's like adding sugar to a doughnut made of farts: You would probably be better off just not eating it.

This had nothing to do with the rest of the article.

Oh, right, it kind of did. Let's make up a person. He has brown hair and blue eyes, each with 20/20 vision. Each of his eyes, I mean. His hair is incapable of vision because it's hair. He is 5'9 and 160 pounds, with an IQ of 100. He makes $30k a year at a job that he hates, lives in the suburbs, and doesn't listen to rap, metal, or country music. He is completely average in every way, except for his name. His name is Timothy Terwilliger IV, because fuck this guy.

Now, Timothy Terwilliger IV wants to stand out from the crowd but can't figure out how. He tries to get a tattoo, but settles for a handshake and a scornful glare from a man who may or may not be a biker. He tries to get a nice car, but can't afford it. He can't sing, he can't dance, he can't draw or paint or act, so what's a boy to do? He decides to be French. Now, he doesn't want to move to France. Average men don't do that. He learns a few choice phrases in French and tries to impress his friends with his cultured language. He studies French fashion, French food, French movies, French kissing (with his pillow). He basically becomes that mysterious crispy object in the bottom of the bag, the one that masquerades itself as a french fry. He knows he's not French. We all know damn well he's not French. But he's gonna call himself French nonetheless.

Timothy Terwilliger IV is now a fucking hipster. He's pretending to understand something he doesn't and looks down on others for not making believe that they do too.

He also grew a beard. Source

Now, there is no doubt that Timothy Terwilliger IV is obviously pretentious and annoying. He's mocking another culture by pretending to be a part of it. You don't think that uneducated imitation is mockery? Try going to downtown Atlanta while wearing blackface and see if they accept you.

Now with that in mind, I'll raise this question: Are Christians hipsters for calling themselves children of Judah? Now before everyone gets up in arms, hear me out. I'm not making a statement about whether there is a God or not, that's beyond the scope of this article. I'm not going to patronize you for your beliefs, no matter if I disagree with them. You believe in God and Heaven and all that...but it has nothing to do with you. You remember that Old Testament, the one you just kind of skim through looking for red letters? Yeah, that's the history and culture of a completely different nation. All that stuff that Moses said about The Law? It was called The Law because it was the legal system of his people. He didn't write it for you or your mama or Judge Roy Moore. He wrote it for his people. In that time, you would have been killed or enslaved by the Children of God. Why? Because you weren't a Child of God. Fastforward to the New Testament. You remember how they raised a big deal about Gentiles? That was you. When Jesus said  "Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not: But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel", he wasn't exactly being all inclusive.

Yeah, you keep walking, homie.    Source

You don't think this is pretentious? Most Christians don't live their day to day lives any different than an atheist. Every once in a while, they might take to the knee, but how often do you see Christians living among the homeless? How often do you see them living the lives of ascetics, monks, martyrs, whatever you want to call it? What if somebody claimed to worship the Egyptian gods, but only had the vaguest understanding of Egyptian rituals and culture? And they didn't really do anything to practice their religion except donate money to Egyptian infomercials? Yeah, you'd call them a hipster asshole.

As I said, it's great that you believe in God. More power to you. But don't claim to be a moral authority and think you can tell other people about the Jewish culture because you bloody read about it. Don't be a hipster. Find your own way to worship God. Don't keep eating french fries because everyone you know does it or because "It's the way it's done." You're in the wrong hemisphere to be recognizing Israelite rituals. Don't eat your parent's french fries. Eat Freedom Fries. Eat Fried Tater Crisps. But don't do it because "it's tradition", because, I hate to tell you this, but "it's not your tradition".

This has just been some random thoughts by a casual observer. If you agree or disagree, that's your prerogative. These observations are casual and so I wouldn't be surprised to find them inaccurate and in the end, grossly off-topic. But they're my thoughts and it's boring to keep them to myself.

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